Only our closest friends know about our sex life, if even then. Sex is like finances; we keep such matters to ourselves. We’d like everyone to believe we are living life to the fullest and that everything is well and good where sex and money is concerned.
But like our finances, how many of us are experiencing tough times? Having sex with the same man for 20 years gets boring. For those of us who have been married for decades, the fire went out long ago.
I was married for 21 years, in which I learned to sleep through sex. Literally. My ex liked sex first thing in the (early) morning before he went to work. One day he announced I didn’t have to wake up, just give him the okay to proceed.
At first I was angry, hurt and appalled. Then I decided, “that works”. So every morning for the last 10 years of our marriage I slept through sex (the best I could). At least I didn’t have to pretend it was good. Sex had stopped being good long before the morning booty call. Marriage in general had stopped being good.
After my divorce (don’t even try to pretend you are shocked by that announcement), I started dating. I fell madly in love with a man who turned my world upside down… in a wonderful way. Up until I met this man, I thought movie sex was put on. Why would anyone scream, bang on the walls or carry on with such stupidity? Really… didn’t they over do it a tad?
Well, not really. For the first time (and only time in my life) I realized what all the fuss was about. When sex is great…. it’s fantastic! It’s hair pulling, lung screaming, freaking terrific. Sadly, we broke up, but I was left with lasting memories of what a sex life should be. I knew sex was inadequate in my marriage, but I had no idea just how much.
Since I stopped dating and started concentrating on my life, I realized that celibacy isn’t all that bad. Oh, at first it’s horrible, I don’t want to mislead you. I imagine the withdrawals are similar to giving up drugs, because sex is a drug. But in time those urges settle and you discover you don’t really miss sex (which could partly be due to menopause and my lower estrogen levels).
I remember an interview with Suze Orman when she announced she hadn’t had sex in four years. I gasped and couldn’t help wondering what was wrong with her. Well, nothing was wrong with her at all. Orman simply chose to practice celibacy (for whatever reason. If there is no man worth dating… you’re suddenly practicing celibacy).
I haven’t had sex in 10 years. Okay… I can hear the rumblings across the world resonating off the mountain tops. But honestly, I’m happy. I’m not depending upon someone else to full fill me. I’m not celibate by choice, but because I haven’t met anyone I care to stop being celibate with. Since I’m not a bar fly, what other option is there?
If Tom Selleck showed up on my door step, I would certainly rethink the celibacy. But since I doubt he’ll be knocking on my front door any day soon, I’m contented with my sexual life…. or lack there of.
We are too, easily defined by things in our lives. Where we live, what we drive, who we date (marry), our financial situations, our sex lives…. We need to stop and discover who we really are without all the descriptive notations attached to our names.
If you were dropped in the middle of an island, all alone… what would you do? Could you survive? Would you be content simply being you? Most of us will never answer those questions, because we have families, jobs, lives and a sex life… be it as it may. But it’s certainly an interesting thought to ponder.
